Jurassic World: My Top Five Review

I just watched Jurassic World only a couple of hours ago and decided that it is my duty to tell you what I hated and what I loved about it. If you plan to see this movie, know this before going in to it: If you are a huge fan of the first one and don’t want your childhood spoiled for you more than the third Jurassic Park already did, don’t see it. Unless you are going for Chris Pratt butt, then by all means, get your Chris Pratt butt on. That being said, there will be spoilers in this so if you plan to see it you may want to stop now and come back after you watch it to see if you agree with my points.

I guess since this is my first top five review I should explain to you what that means. Every time I decided to review a movie I will tell you the top 5 things I liked about the movie and the top 5 things I hated about the movie. I don’t see many movies anymore, seeing as I am at a theater more than I am my own home these days. I’m a manager at a movie theater so I really have to be excited about a movie to go see it. Even then i will usually watch it after hours when I don’t have to deal with a bunch of asshole people I don’t know. What can I say, I’m spoiled.

Here’s my take on Jurassic World.

TOP FIVE THINGS I LIKED:

1. Chris Pratt’s butt: Okay, so you don’t actually see his butt in this movie. I know that’s a little misleading. I apologize ladies and gents, no butt action with dinosaurs. Chris Pratt is definitely looking good in this movie though, and his classic Chris Pratt charm is there as well. I originally fell in love with Chris Pratt in Parks and Rec because of his goofy personality and how well he played that character. Then he got buff and beautiful for Guardians of the Galaxy and now the whole world adores him, as they should. I loved his character in this movie as well, but I didn’t love this movie. I’m a little surprised they didn’t have him riding raptors by the end of the movie.

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2. DINOSAURSSSSSSSSS!: Who doesn’t love dinosaurs and the idea of dinosaurs in existence here and now? Why else would you go watch this movie or the first Jurassic Park (*cough* besides Chris Pratt’s butt)? Dinosaurs are badass, and the dinosaurs in Jurassic World are badass! So many scenes make the dinosaurs look a little to CGIy though. The new animatronic dinosaurs looked pretty damn good, they were created by Legacy Effects. RIP Stan Winston who created the dinosaurs for the first film. The T-Rex at the end of this film is actually the same T-Rex from the first Jurassic Park, so that’s cool.

3. Jurassic Park references: They did a pretty decent job at putting in references to the first Jurassic Park film. After the first scene of the movie they cut to what looks and sounds like a dinosaur claw meeting the ground but ends up being a bird when the camera zooms out. This is a nod to the newly accepted theory that dinosaurs are the ancestors to modern-day birds which is brought up by Alan Grant in the first film, who is made fun of for the thought. The two main kids, Gray and Zach stumble upon the old building from Jurassic Park. Zach uses a bone from one of the T-Rex replicas that was laying on the ground and wraps it with part of the banner that falls in the last scene of Jurassic Park while the T-Rex roars his mighty roar. He uses this contraption as a torch so that him and his brother can explore the old building. They end up finding a pair of the old Jeeps, one of them being numbered “29” which is the same jeep driven by John Hammond in the beginning of Jurassic Park. Gray also picks up a pair of the night vision goggles from the first film, turns them on and then throws them down because it freaks him out. There’s a steak house on the main strip of Jurassic World named “Winston’s” which is an honor to the now deceased Stan Winston who brought the dinosaurs to life in the original films. There’s also a skeleton of the Spinosarous by the steak house, a dinosaur that played the main antagonist in the third film. There is only a brief shot of it in the beginning and then again toward the end when the T-Rex smashes through it almost instantly. Take that Jurassic Park III! Shitty old Mr. DNA makes an appearance when Gray is playing a genetic information game in the Hammond information center. Lowery’s messy work space is a nod to Dennis Nedry’s character in the first film, who was also chastised for his messy desk. The basics of Chaos Theory makes another appearance as well as a similar east docks sign and a distracting Dilophosaurus hologram. Of course there a million other nods to the old films in the way of shots, set pieces and scenes that are directly taken from the films and then twisted into a new setting. Including the T-Rex being reintroduced by being lured out with a flare all Dr. Alan Grant style.

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4. Vivian and Lowery: Vivian played by Lauren Lapkus and Lowery played by Jake Johnson were the best characters in the movie. They seemed like they took over the Sam Jackson roll from Jurassic Park, and they were amazing. They made me laugh and desire more story with them involved, even though they were stuck in the control room the whole time. I love Jake Johnson in New Girl and he made this movie bearable for me. Lauren Lapkus is great in Orange is the New Black and Ive gained a new respect for her since seeing her on Comedy Bang Bang and her new role in Jurassic World. I love Judy Greer as well but she was barely in this movie and really just played a frantic mom.

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5. The Young Raptor Handler: Alright, so this kid was only in the movie for about 2 minutes tops. His name is Colby Boothman- Shepard. The only thing special about this guy was that I met him in real life. Twice actually. So it was exciting to me to be like, “I met that kid!!” when I saw him on the big screen. His agent called the theater a few weeks ago and asked me if I would set aside a couple of seats to the first showing we had in IMAX for him. He was foreign so I could barely understand what he was saying besides that his client was in the movie and had to miss the premier so he would like to come watch it at our theater. I couldn’t make out the kids name or anything so I just said sure and figured I would ask the him who he played when he came in to pick up his tickets. A few days later he comes in and ask’s for me. Id seen this kid before and I instantly remember that the same thing happened during the release of Hot Tub Time Machine 2, but that time I didn’t ask who he played in the movie and I never saw it so I wasn’t excited to see him in it. When I asked him who he plays in Jurassic World he tells me that he plays a raptor handler and describes a scene in the trailer that he’s in. I assume its a very short scene and shrug off the opportunity to have him sign some posters because I just didn’t give a shit. Maybe I was a bit of an asshole, because now it seems like it would have been kind of cool. Oh well. Sorry dude! You did great in your couple of scenes! I was really searching for a 5th top reason to like this movie and this was all I could come up with.

Colby+Boothman+Shepard+Premiere+Universal+grgNeJvUZzOl  Look’s like he made it to the premier after all……..

TOP FIVE THINGS I HATED:

1.  The Kids: I hated Zach and Gray. I hated Gray’s stupid hair, I hated Zach’s bipolar teenager attitude and I hated how terribly they built up those characters. First off, I saw that they were trying to make Zach seem like an asshole teenage kid that doesn’t give a shit about his brother but then through the chaos of the dinosaurs him and brother go through, he all of a sudden becomes the best brother ever. No. It was terrible. He went from, “Let me listen to my head phones, fuck dinosaurs!” To, “Holy shit dinosaurs! Lets go off the beaten path and get eaten by some dinosaurs!” Also, What was about the little kid just randomly bringing up his parents getting a divorce and crying mid dinosaur ride? Come on now. That was so pointless. They started out with the kid seeming extremely smart, and then that. Get it out of here. It was too random and uncalled for. They should have stuck with the smart kid, dinosaur obsession thing they had going on. Also, being taught to fix a car by a grandpa or uncle, or whatever does not mean a kid and teenager that doesn’t even have a license would be able to fix a run down jeep that’s been rotting for years and years. Not realistic bro. They didn’t bring the emotion out of me like the kids from Jurassic Park did.

2. Claire is the worst: I hated Claire. She’s a busy little bitch who hasn’t seen her nephews for 7 years. The kids get sent to the park by her sister so that they can visit her and see the park for the first time. Claire sends them in the park with some other slutty looking lady and goes back to work completely forgetting they exist until the super evil Dino escapes and starts killing everyone. She doesn’t even realize right away that they are out there, it takes a good while before it comes to her and then she freaks. From then on she is dedicated to these kids and becomes the best Aunt ever at the end of the movie. Worst. On top of that, she wears heels the whole movie while she’s running away from dinosaurs. At one point, she lights a flare to lure out the T-Rex to fight the Indominus Rex and runs a good 100 feet with the T- Rex chasing her….. while she’s in heels. She out runs him and gets him to fight the evil Rex of course. Thank god she had all that practice running in heels in the rest of the movie.

3. Pratt’s Raptor Besties: If it wasn’t for almost everything else wrong with this movie, I might have forgiven the unimaginable friendship between Owen and the raptors. They mention making raptor DNA that is less aggressive in the first Jurassic Park, so maybe they’re playing off of that.  It just wasn’t realistic and when I found out it was almost the whole premise to the movie, It really disappointed me. The story was complete shit. I won’t go through the whole thing with you because you should see it for yourself if you were interested enough to read this much, but it really was terrible. I read that the script was written in 3 weeks and that really explains a lot. Although I think they went back and changed some stuff, including an idea of featuring a group of soldiers that were genetically crossed humans and dinosaurs. Jesus. At least it was pretty. It just really made me wish I had raptor buddies.

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4. Same story, way less ambition: Maybe if Spielberg ran this movie it would have come out half-decent. It has potential but it lacks the awe that Jurassic Park brought us. It missing the suspense and wonderment, the creative vision and quirks of Spielberg. I didn’t feel for the characters, I didn’t feel for the dinosaurs. I didn’t feel anything. I wasn’t scared for the characters when they were about to get eaten. There were some pretty bloody and gruesome scenes but even that did nothing for me. The movie kind of trained you not to care about human death. Simon and Hoskins don’t give no shit’s about people dying. One’s just like, “why make everyone nervous for no reason?” after 5 people are eaten, and the other is like “But those military weapon Raptors though.” Chris Pratt’s character made you feel bad for the test tube Dino’s while Claire and many other made you feel like they were easily disposable. There wasn’t enough building of the relationship between Owen and Claire either. The relationship just seemed pretty pointless really. You knew nothing about the kids parents, besides that they were getting a divorce, which was never mentioned again. The crazy thing is, the story was pretty much the same as the original. They pretty much just replaced scenes with the exact same plot but completely different. Not different in a good way. They should have just let the franchise die and kept the good memories we had of the first one instead of adding to the list of shitty sequels. Harrison Ford made a good choice when he backed out of this film because he was worried it was going to be another Crystal Skull.

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5. End dinosaur brawl: Okay, so the fighting was bad ass but that was it. First off, the super Rex was crossed with a bunch of different Dino species including a T-Rex and Raptors. So why could the Super Rex and the Raptors communicate but the Super Rex and the T-Rex couldn’t? Also, why all this back and forth of Chris Pratt and Super Rex being the Alpha? No. The situation with the Raptors being friends with the Super Rex should have lasted a lot longer, not 2 minutes.  Plus, all of the raptors should have died. As my boyfriend stated after we watch the movie, Blue is going to be all over the internet forever after this and that’s stupid. Don’t give the internet something else stupid to focus on for a month. Blue shouldn’t have lived! After the T-Rex comes in and works side by side with Blue to kick some Indominus Rex ass, Blue and the T-Rex have a little moment where they pretty much do a whole “we cool?” skit in silence and then they go their separate ways. No again! If Jurassic Park taught us anything it was that T-Rex and Raptors are not friends and they cannot communicate with each other. Nonsense. Why not just kill all of the Raptors and let the T-Rex finish the job? The movie pretty much ends there. No news on what they did about the T-Rex, Blue and a bunch of other dinosaurs running around free. I guess we are getting more movies to ruin our childhood.

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There we go. My Top Five Review for Jurassic World: The Crystal Skull. I give it a 6 out of 10. Which is very generous. Being a movie theater manager, I know people will love it and it will make tons of money this weekend at the box office. I personally cannot say it is a good movie though. Not when Jurassic Park is one of my all time favorite movies. Check it out for yourself and let me know if you agree with my likes and dislikes in the comments.

Thanks for reading!

-Pimpson

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